Jeepers Creepers

The moment at which thoughts are cemented in writing should be taken seriously. It is so much harder than it should be to sit down and write a sentence. I had all these thoughts swirling in my head not too long ago -- this morning, yesterday morning, while I got a massage today (the lady told me i had a lot of knots in my back... um, why do you think i'm here?!) -- and yet, now, sitting with a sleeveless tank on and regretting it because i'm freezing, listening to the happy tunes of Louis Armstrong, it's hard to remember what exactly I was thinking about...

There is a lot of tumult in my head these days, I'm sure I'm grinding my teeth like crazy every night, probably partly because i am completely unsettled in the standard looking-for-work-so-i-can-then-look-for-a-place-to-live and what-exactly-am-i-doing-with-my-life kind of way. But surely not entirely...

I had a friend break up with me the other day. I had sent her an email saying -- in my neurotic way -- I miss you, and she wrote back with the sentence: We've shared a lot. And pretty much went on to say that there was no room left for me in her life. On the one hand, it would be easy to dismiss this as proof that her new boyfriend really has sucked the old self out of her... on the other hand, I suppose people do grow out of each other's lives. I've never let a friendship go unless i realized our standards had changed, our moral standards I mean... I had a very close friend whom I loved because she was a free spirit and when I realized she had slowly come to value money and success over doing what made her happy I just couldn't keep pretending i valued and admired her any more... and there was also a sneaking suspicion i had that every time i shared good news with her she wasn't happy for me, that also killed the friendship. But I never told anyone, sorry, we had good times, but i don't want to be reminded of that part of my life anymore... I'm probably being mean and oversimplifying because well, it hurt.

Considering that not too long ago someone in my family i looked up to, almost adoring more than loving, told me through actions she didn't care two shits about me, it was bad timing to have a friend also break up with me. The universe is really not on my side this month!

And I want to call a few choice friends and have a good long talk, moan about life and its stresses but also listen while said friends moan back, and share good news and listen to it, but somehow i don't get around to looking up their numbers or to sending an email. And apparently a facebook post is not enough to goad friends into finding my number and calling me! Selfish of me, definitely.

There is a very definite voice in my head that says, Stop whining, get up and do something, go running, go the British museum, hell, even go shopping, but i rather prefer to tell that voice to shut up and go back to reading Elmore Leonard. I wish there was a local YMCA around here... Park Slope Y, I miss you and your too hot, too smelly, thirty two laps to a mile track gym!